Last night, I felt terrible again. I even could not sleep well, which made me oversleep this morning for work. But that’s ok, because I kinda just lost track of time everyday. Back to what happened last night. I'm out of sorts. My mother just came up and told me how she worried about my study-abroad thing. She said she was afraid that I would feel down, but actually I think she’s much downer than me. She always shows her mistrust to me, which makes me feel so sad. I miss the old her, who was always busy beaming with my pride. I want her to become proud again in the future. I am so sick of others, who are always giving pressure on me, although they don’t mean it. Awful. Awful. Couldn't gone worse. I really need to come out of my shell just a little before things get pretty ugly. I’m there for my parents. I will pick up the pieces, and then I will usher in the age of Grace! I'd give it a shot. For them, and also for myself.

Today is 5.12. I think that most of Chinese wouldn’t forget this date. But the TV shows keep talking about this earthquake topic, and I am so sick of this kind of shows. I think the earthquake was a tragedy, and most of the people don’t even want to think about it. Well, let's just say the impressions in Sichuan left little to the imagination. But these shows are annoying me because most of them are actually just shows. They are meaningless for the people who are suffering from this tragedy. I think they prefer the money of the shows are used on a proper way, or something to that effect. So that they need not to be remind the fact that they’ve been through in this one year. Okay, I think we're getting into a very sad area here, and we don't have to go down that road.

Smile has to leave today, in this special day. Needless to say, I think she's a blast, and we are way past the normal-friend thing. I mean it. How come we are not success in our career? We’re just done with the vacation. Let’s just move on! We will be good next year! How'd I get to that? Well, knowledge is a tricky thing. If I get any news, I will stand here spelling it out for you. We’ll see you around.

Oh, it’s 5 o’clock now, and I am famished. Maybe way too early, but I actually am. And apparently, somebody didn’t show up to hand me some work to do since this morning. But I wouldn’t off the office before the off time. I don’t love to break the code. But I am so hot!

I just thought I'd throw this out here. But I can’t believe I change my mind. Last week I was always thinking of quitting, but now I am thinking I’m gonna make it to the job. Even though it is so boring to do the same things everyday, I prefer seeing the good stuff in this job. In this job, I don’t need to wear makeup, or have a business suit, or even have any vehicle. That’s perfect for me. You know, it's very difficult to appreciate this office time once you've seen it in reverse. So don’t take this the wrong way or anything but back off.

What does the phrase 'first salary' mean to me? Maybe it means that I can earn some money by myself. Or I have grown up just a smidge. I know that we could not just phoning it in. However, this first salary is too small to make me have the sense of reality. That's so weird, I prefer no money at all. That way I would feel like the participation and the experience are much more important than money. Guess how much is it? 1,000 Yuan? Yeah, you wish! 10 yuan a day. You do the math. But that’s ok, I have some extra money, big deal! Get out.

Enough with the job thing. Let us talk about the study-abroad stuff. At first I decided to go on my computer science study in NUS. However, a couple weeks ago, I met an aunt who’s a Singaporean. She told me a lot about the circumstance in Sing, and said ‘Sing is a place full of business.’ She advised me to choose another major for my further living in Sing. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know? But she’s right, I should think it through about what I need right now or in the future, and what I am good at or will be. So, on a dare, I picked management. It's tearing me apart to make a change, but I have no choice. You don't know what that means to me. That means I will have a totally different life in Sing.

There were three days vacation began from May 1^st, while I stuck at work in Palace Hotel before and after those three days. So I really wanted to have a good time on this vacation. Then I was off to Guangzhou, with my parents. Occasionally, I found out there was a discount shopping mall, in which everything was 50% off. I'm no math whiz, but I did believe there were many things that would be much cheaper than they were. I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this shopping action. That’s festive, and I’m gonna cheer myself up. So my parents could not meet me half way. By all means. Then I bought a lot of things, some of which are so not what I need right now. But I feel good and happy, that’s enough. I’m getting so good at cheering myself up!

One of my good friends, Smile, has come back from England on 21^st April, just for a break from her hard and endless study. But all of us who’re in JM, including her, are so busy that I just met her three times in this half month. But we had such a blast with her the other days. I know she had a tough time in England, feeling lonely and helpless. Actually, so did us. The days force us to grow up. So we make a pact that we will be never beat down by the life. She’s gonna leave tomorrow, and maybe she’s busy packing her bags now. I’ve no idea that whether we could met for the forth time. But I promise. I would not break the pact. So you could not snap either, okay?

I remember a lot of things in the past year. Vividly. And I know that everything happens for a reason. Not that I believe any of the destiny thing. I mean, that is just mean to think that we are wasting our time. Life’s gonna hand you all kinds of stuff. You learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. So speak up! With full of self- confidence! I'll catch up with you later.

Now I’m sitting on the accountant office and having nothing to do. I do be writing this diary and,at the same moment, listen to what the fellows around me are saying to each others. And all of a sudden, I'm getting a deja vu. This office work seems to be the similar with what I did on the Software Factory in 2007, which reminds me a lot of stuff in my college.

I had rough days. There was a whole bunch of stuff I could've done in the past few months. But admit it! All things considered, I had fun in the last four years.  I really miss the moment that my BF walked me to my dormitory after dinner or wander. I miss his innate Jingyu-ness that I adore. I miss his words of cheering me up,which, y'know, no-one's ever put it like that before. I know he didn't mean to bring me down, I always know. This guy's a good boy. I judge him. Even though he’s not accompanying me right here right now, I need no one to take his place now.

Cushions the blow might be not good for me. Loosely translated:“I can't stand myself anymore. And just give me a chance to figure everything out.” You know what, I have to pass on the whole being-lazy thing. So, Okay, alright, I’ll tell you what, if there is anything about me annoying you, you could let me know and tell me what this is in reference to. Before you get into that, there's something that you should know. It's okay, y'know,I will always be with you and get the advice. I know talking about this kind of things might not bring both of us any benefit, but I do realise the odds of that happening are slimmer if we never get to do that. So I have flaws! Big deal! I can handle all of them! I’ll go. I’m going in. And I am done,too. It’s worth. Oh, hehe, like that's a word.

Oh, oh, you want to know how'd my accountant job go? Well, you know, this job might just be seen as a break time-out. I just gotta do it, ‘cause maybe it may take my mind off something annoying. Everyday I just write some diaries using my ASUS notebook or nodded off again and again on my seat, except when I go down to other companies and have some audit jobs. There it is! You think I learn a lot thought this job? Oh come on! How is that possible?

Look, it's just a little more complicated. I always want a date, because of this boring job, but I always couldn't decide which one got to bring a date. So now I’m just busying working but lazy bout the contacting and organizing thing. Oh, gross!

My BF is having his master course of HCI in Indiana U in US. Almost every day we have a phonecall with each other to chat for a while. His life is so colorful and he enjoy it so much, while I just can’t do it at all. He always knows what he's doing,he take his time and he get the job done, while I'm all chaotic and twirly, which is not in a good way. He never knows my murk, and always shows his excitement and happiness, but no careness to me. Like I wasn’t dreading enough, fighting for my future. This will sound unbelievably selfish on my part, but he really ripped my heart out, even though he doesn’t mean to. “Why are you in the title for murk?” Got me. Now how’s this gonna work, with us? Give me a “for instance”.

It seems to boeder on "BF abuse". How can I fit into this whole thing? What do I gonna do? Basically, I know it’s totally up to me. People around me always say to me, “People like you need to shoot for the starts.” What’s that supposed to mean? Maybe you will say,” Nothing. It’s an expression, a cheer up.” I know that you all have a thing for me. Chances are I’m gonna be this broken shell of a tough woman. I don't get my way. Of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way. I always deemed myself as this high-power,driven career-type. But now I don’t see it. When did it get so complicated? Talking to me you may wanna steer clear of the word “loser” because I get stuck at losing my patient and self-confidence. You don’t get a lot of “mad” these days. But I really did be mad and not play well for a long period. So, got any advice?

Things change. Roll with the punches. I believe moving-on’s on the table. Fortunately, I have a job to do right now. So I’m going in. These accountants are pros. Kinda puts that whole going-abroard thing in perspective. It might take the heat off of me. I know it is a cheap shop, but I feel so much better now. I kind of gotta move on now. And that’d be it. This may hurt, but like I’d settle for that. So, well, here’s the deal. I hope everything work out, and I end up growing. You never know.

I'm welling up. How could I forget all of these? Maybe these are the days. Thay suck. But you’re gonna love it. And you? What have you been up to?Any stories? No news, no little anecdotes to share with me? Why not bring it up? I latch on.

Word of advice: Hit the lights…I will be right there!

It has been several months since I write my last English diary, right? I am still preparing for my master-studying stuff. There are always some people asking when I go abroad. It seems to be a little annoying but I thought I took it pretty well. However, it turns out that I'm murky and pathetic all the time. "To hell with it! Why everyone keep fixiating on that? My father doesn't know. How should I know?" Sometimes I even found that I say that out loud. I was kinda supposed to be headed for Singapore，which I couldn’t.All of a sudden, I found out I am wasting my time for waiting. I don't want myself to go through what I ever went through in the last four years. I need to do something like, say, having a part-time job. So I found one about accontant for myself. Sounds like an improvement to me,huh? Though there seems not so much work for me to accomplish, I’m just like to hang out there and do something different. After the half-month office job, I realize that I am really more turned on by computer than by account, which I should have known.

Sometimes I think, maybe I should give up studying and find a real job for my new life. But, how well I know myself. I’m such an idiot, and trained for nothing. I think I will be laughed out of the interviewers or maybe get screwed even if I find one. Even I could get it together enough to have a job, what could I do? Well, it really matters to me and I really need to get through it. But what are we fighting for? I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than:” Have a nice job.” But that’s it? You know what the scariest part is? What if there’s only chance for everyone for their fantasy, for their dreams. Finding a job might be one way of doing it, but I went for the further learning. Even if I am just waiting for it, I will not take this abuse. I guess I’ve eatabilish this is probably for the best. I can’t live off my parents for a whole life. I can’t always crash on the couch. Try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here.

Oh, I am getting a little ahead of myself. I have almost no contact with my friends these days because of the work, and you guys keep in no touch with me either. I got really freak out, and that's when it hit me: we're drifted apart in these few months. I was kinda hoping that woundn't be an issue for our friendship. You guys always took credit for me and that’d be good if you guys still remember me and maybe leave me a message. Here’s the thing, and yet I’m surprisingly upbeat. What’s with me?

Hope not to spoil all this fun. Big time!